Deeply Heart Broken.

[Kat]

I am so depressed right now... I don't feel like yelling around
the house like I usually do anymore... I just... lye down on my
bed... thinking... and thinking... I've been talking to myself the
past 3 hours even... ( my concience, I mean. I'm not crazy. )

just lying down on my bed... listening to the radio...
drinking gallons of Sprite... Earlier, I couldn't even get up...
and if I do get the small chance, I would suddenly lye down
again and cry my eyes out...

Me & Drew broke up.

6 months down the drain!

the main reason, it all started yesterday...
we were texting...
( sending messages & stuff... y'know... )
he was flirting with me with his
naughty ways & I immediately got turned on.
I sent him this naughty quote...

( which I can't really say in front of you guys... )

his mom saw it. just yesterday he told me that his mom ordered
him to break up with me. I cried when he said that.
( naturally. ) I felt my heart sink down to my stomach...

First of all because of course, I love him. and 2nd,
because I felt ashamed, I really did...that moment was a totally
shocked... so shocked that I couldn't speak for while &

I wasn't able to understand what my sisters were telling me...
yeah I heard them... but I wasn't wable to understand. as in
get it through my head...

I felt like I was dying inside. I hated myself so much that time.
up to know even. I'm so ashamed of myself...
instead of the girl leaving the guy it's vice versa.

aren't you just disgusted?

my god I don't understand it... life's so unfair...

guys I love him.
I love him so much...
he's half of my life...
he's my bestfriend...

I just lost something very important.

and now because of my carelessness
it's all over.

just when things were going smoothly everything suddenly
gets smashed like a broken mirror!!

Xatu if ever you get to see this I'm sorry...
sorry if I didn't tell you the whole story.
it's just that... I was still very ashamed that moment
that I couldn't tell you... and right now I still am.

I'm disgusted with myself that AGAIN, I want to
commit suicide... I am just... so god d*mn tired already...

well.. thanks for listening... sorry for wasting your
precious time just for this crap...

PS: the story I told xat...
well, this is not as bad as the first one...

is because I got so annoyed at him
for *coughtouchingmeallovercough*

no matter what defense I exert he would still do it!

so in result I yelled at him over & over on
the phone when we both got home...
( couldn't yell at him at the mall, of course. )

his mom was listening all along without us knowing it
& sent drew to his room while I was scold!

I am so ashamed of myself d*mmit...

[Will]

I hope you start feeling better soon*gives a big hug to try and help*, it's not right for someone to go very dpressed. I've never really been in love but you can't be down forever because sometimes you have to move on. Maybe something will work because you don't yet know what the future holds.
Hang in there

[Ozma Omega]

Dagger...
I don`t know what to say.
This... this just isn`t fair!
Why do you have to go through all this? :(

What happened really isn`t your fault, not at all!
I understand the pain you must feel inside right now.
Breaking up with someone you really love is devastating.
I`ve been there, and I`ve felt the same way you do now.
But that doesn`t mean you`ll feel this way forever.
You`re strong, Dagger, I know that.
And you can overcome this, just like you`ve overcome other things.

Life has its ups and downs, and right now you`re in the middle of a real down-time.
But fight your way through all of it, and I guarantee that things will get better for you.
If you believe it it, it will happen.
It`ll take time, but it`ll happen.

Did I read that correctly?
Andrew broke up with you because his mom said so?
That`s really unfair!
But... I don`t mean to sound mean, but didn`t you have to break up anyway?
Because you`re moving, I mean.
Even though you probably don`t want to now, you`ll find someone new.
You`ll be able to fall in love again, and live a happy life.
Don`t give up, just hang in there.

I`ve told you this before but... suicide is NEVER an answer.
It only makes things worse, a lot worse.
You may feel you have nothing left to live for, but that`s not true.
Think about your family, your friends... they`d feel guilty forever.
Even though you can be *really* pissed and annoyed at your family sometimes, you still love them, don`t you?
They love you too, and they always will.
Please, Dagger, never even consider suicide!
It`s just not worth it. :(

...this wasn`t very good, I`m sorry.
I just... can`t concentrate right now. -_-
It`s not your fault or anything, I`m just a bit stressed out at the moment.

I`m done with all my mid-terms, so I`ll be able to get on more and talk now.
PM me anytime, ok?

[Kat]

thank you Will... & Ozzy...
I've tried my best to forget it somehow
but still...

...

oh, Ozzy... we were planning to have a long distanced
relationship... we both accept that already... then all of
a sudden this happens...

...

this morning he came to my house
to return some stuff & his mom was there by his
side... looking at me with a sharp pair of eyes...
I felt so ashamed... I couldn't even look at them...

can you just imagine the scene?
I was there, standing on the front door while drew hands
me all of the gifts I gave him... and his mother was by his
side the whole time too...

I cry so much that I think I'm actually going crazy...
I can't explain it... my concience is messing up my mind
& won't shut up... there's no escape...

she's telling me,

"His family hates you!"

"You disgust me! dumped by a guy & his mom!?"

"aren't you ashamed of yourself!?"

"this is the 2nd time already! how dusgusting!"

and you know what guys she's right!!
I am disgusting! I am very ashamed of myself!
for being alive & having done these things &
for being dumped for the 2nd consecutive time!!

I am so god d*mn tired already!!!!!!!

[Kat]

sorry for the double post, but I had to let
you guys know this happened an hour or more
after what I posted earlier...

just this evening we were talking... on the phone...
I was very happy. I wanted to hear from him all day...

he started talking.
I wondered why he was kinda normal...
( like nothing bad happened... )

he was telling me to move on...
saying good luck in the future & stuff like that...

in other words he's saying goodbye.
without even leaving traces showing he's sorry.

he started talking about his X girlfriend...
he said "Rachel came this afternoon."

I was shocked. very shocked...
my heart started beating fast
then I asked

"Oh? with her family?"

"nah, just her."

"really? did your mom get mad?"

"huh? no way! she's a family friend.
she's always welcome here!"

"....."

then later on he told me something shocking...
something I didn't expect...

...

his X girl friend called him last week, asking him to
come back... My heart just started beating faster than
ever that I was starting to get a migrane & cry again...

I asked him with my shaking voice
"and?" he said... ( I perfectly remember it. )
"to tell you the truth, she's really
( it's bold 'cuz he said it loudly. ) accepted here.
I mean, she's a family friend after all."

I started crying already... and he knows it,
but doesn't show any care for me...

it's as if I'm doing fine...
because he continued talking without even asking
me "you OK?" or "please stop crying!"

no... not a word..

I cried so much...

I mean, why wouldn't I?
of course it was because I was insecure...
very insecure...

I loved him with all my heart
while his X just dumped him for another guy!
and all of a sudden she come back again from
nowhere asking him to be hers again,
and he accepts it!

....

he continued talking and he said,
"Oh, I haven't told you yet haven't I?
we were already enganged since childhood! :)"

YEAH, the smiley is there because I can easily tell
from the tone of his voice that he was happy about it...

I might just lose my mind any minute now...

I really will... when he said all that I just slowly put down the
phone and ran to my room... I cried so much that I thought
deep inside I was losing my mind...

I threw my lamp... my mirror... almost everything...
I threw them all to the wall...

excuse me for being so violent.

but that time... I was deeply heart broken...
this experience has left a huge scar on my heart and I
don't think I could ever forgive him...

I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

he made me look like a fool...
I loved him with all my heart...

even though there are other guys
there wanting to court me!
that even looks better than him!

but still, I stayed by his side...

he gave me alot of problems & heartaches
and yet, I stayed! through those whole 6 months!!

...and now he finishes it. just because that girl showed up
again... it's unfair.... why me... I loved him...
I helped him when he was down... now this?

I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!

...........................and yet I'm still inlove with him...
why am I this stupid!?

I'm sorry... but I can't help it...
I love him... but... why's he like this............

I thought my love was enough...?

........I hate myself.

it's like........ he just used me....
so that some one will be there for him through his ups & downs
since the time they broke up...

and now that she's come back he gladly accepts her back not
noticing that some one was still here that loves him so much...

I felt like they were all stepping on me...

all of them... andrew, rachel ( his x ), his mom...
rochelle ( his couz. ) I knew from the day that I met her that she
just loooves rachel. it was around August when she told me lots
about Rachel.

she told me that drew's family & rachel's family
used tto go out of town together. and that she
( the couz. ) & rachel used to talk alot...

I've been holding in all this pain & insecurity for so
long that I feel like I just might burst any minute
& lose my mind...

my life is so miserable...........
he was my bestfriend...
how could he...

and now what?
you guys will prolly tell me to move on, right?

it's... not that easy...
this is NOT an ordinary break up...
I had to go through a lot...

I knew things all at once that broke my heart
just like *snaps* that!

I just... wanna rest already... y'know?

I'm getting sick & tired of living my life this way...
before, I used to hang on 'cuz drew was there for me.

but now, who do I have? my family!? :laugh:
nope.. I have no one... and to think that I'm moving to LA
soon... in a week, actually... I expected him to cry & say
stuff like "please come back!" or "I love you! please take care..."

honestly he DID say all those stuff.
MONTHS AGO THOUGH!!

but not anymore... because his X girlfriend is back!
or should I say, 'Fiancee'.
now that she's here what reason is there for me to stay?

he's already done using me.

...sorry again for wasting your time...

[Will]

You wonder why people can be like that. One minute they seem to be your friend then the next they leave and go onto someone else. Pm me if you want to talk about anything and I'll try and help cheer you up if you want or I'll just be here if you want someone to talk to.
I hope things start to get better soon and you dont have to say sorry for wasting our time because we're all friends here and try and help our friends out.

[Beatrix the Goddess]

Oh Dagger....Dagger Dagger Dagger.....I just really want to give you a big hug right now. It hurts so much doesn't it? I know it does. And no matter what we say to you....it won't stop hurting. But don't let that hurt blind you Dagger, I promise you there are good things left in life....you probably think I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I've been through it too, and come out of it. I really hope you can too.

First of all, being disgusted with yourself, blaming everything on yourself.....what do you think about this scenario Dagger? You're trying to shift all the blame and imperfection onto yourself because it's easier to be mad at someone you don't love, than at someone you do. None of this is your fault Dags. How could it possibly be your fault that Drew's mum read a text message that you trusted was private? How were you to know that would happen? It's not a normal occurence. It's not something you should have had to worry about, and, quite rightly, you didn't. And being the dumpee instead of the dumper.....Dagger above all please don't blame yourself for this. I don't know where you've got this idea that the guy dumping the girl is somehow worse than the other way round, but it most certainly isn't true. Wow, I can think of at least 7 girls I know who've had that happen to them. No-one is disgusted at you for it. No-one at all. We all just want to help you pick up the pieces from this and get yourself better. None of this is your fault...none of it...I'll repeat that however many times is necessary, until you believe it.

I know you have all these confused feelings that you can't organise or get rid of....and now you're seeing things that you were determined not to see before. It's horribly shocking...and it robs you of any security you had....but you still have to accept it. Drew wasn't quite the person you thoyght he was, and he's hurt you badly, although I don't think the circumstances were his fault. To me, it sounds like he's trying to move on, so that he can get away from any pain he has. Only by doing so..he's hurting you even more, perhaps unknowingly. And maybe even in some way, he thinks his attitude might help you to move on too.

You know what my ex-boyfriend did to me? He was so scared of hurting me by breaking up, that he completely dropped all contact with me for a fortnight, without telling me where he had "gone". That was such a bad time....I'd never worried like that before in my life...I still carry a bit of it within me now. I'll never forget what I went through. But when he finally showed his face again, you know what he said to me?

|"I was trying to make you hate me, so that you'd find breaking up with me easier."

It was ignorance...complete ignorance....but even now I find it hard to forgive him for the cruelty that ignorance inflicted on me. Hate hurts just as much as anything else. What I'm saying is that Drew might just be trying to do the same. But it doesn't work..it really doesn't work..

Now, whenever you think of him, any love you still feel is tinged with hate, hurt and bewilderment isn't it? You only get bad thoughts when you think of him now....as you said, moving on isn't easy, but it's something you'll do. It's impossible to keep loving someone when there's those feelings attached. I bet right now that any idea of moving on seems scary, because you've just lost the biggest pillar in your life, what will you do without him? How will you survive? It's a vicious circle that won't leave your mind in peace. So don’t try & purposely move on Dagger- concentrate on getting through one day at a time, count each day you survive as a victory. A quote from Sleepless in Seattle-

�In the morning I’m going to get up, and remember to breathe in, and breathe out. And one day I won’t have to remember to do it.�

Do that Dagger. Get up tomorrow and remember to breathe in & breathe out. Then the day after tomorrow, get up, breathe in, breathe out, and remember to eat. The day after that- get up, breathe in, breathe out, eat, and remember to smile at least once. Then one day you’ll wake up and discover you’re ready to move on, or have maybe even started to already. I promise you it’ll happen.

As for moving to LA. I think you’ll cope best if you view it as a good thing- a new start. You’ve been hurt, you’ve learned lessons, and now it’s time to start again, in a new place, new opportunities. Tuck that idea away sometime and consider it when you feel a little better.

And lastly...Dagger you’re still loved. You’re surrounded by love. The love of friends. You may not be able to feel for them (us?) what you did for Drew, but nevertheless, they’re there for you. For good times, for bad times, for confiding in, for laughing with. Let that be another pillar that supports you.

Pm me if you want to talk :)

[Kat]

Thanks you guys.

Will, you're such a nice guy. thanks. but, I'd rather
not waste any of your precious time.. you've got better
things to do, and thank you for the concern. thank you! ^_^

BtG, I never knew that you wene through the same...
it's very painful huh? I'm sorry if the same thing happened
to you too... it's unfogrivable. ( if you ask me. )

I'm glad we can really connect on this one...

this is too depressing.... it really is... I can't even laugh
anymore... I can't believe I gave him almost ALL my love...
and he just gives it back now... just because
that girl is back he doesn't need it anymore...

I feel so pathetic right now... everyone... everyone
tore my feelings into pieces like I had none!...

I waited for his call... and when he did all he talks about
are wonderful things about his X!!...

I remember last May... I used to make him feel
better because he was still depressed about his X...
so I stayed by his side... now he forgets it and tells me to
'move on. go on with your life.'

he's getting rid of me without saying 'Thank you' !?

I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!

after all the pain & heart ache he gave me throughout those
whole 6 months I still held it in & stayed with him!

and now he's getting rid of me, as if I've done nothing
he should be thankful for... this is too unfair you guys...

I love him... I love hime so much...
I still love him right now, to be honest...

though anger & hate definitely runs throguh my
blood now.

still, I love him so much...
but... why did things turn out this way...?

...I thought we were soulmates. we had a lot in common
and we got along well... we used to help each other
all the time & make fun out of each other!..

we were happy.

he wasn't just a boyfriend you guys... he was my best friend...
he was always there, everyday... every night...

and now what?

I'm here, left alone.
while he's there with his 'Fiancee'...
enjoying their lives now... I'm just here...

alone.

[Beatrix the Goddess]

Well, it wasn't quite the same, but similar. I understand that earthshattering feeling you get. I'll tell you about it in a pm if you feel it'd help at all.

Being used is the worst feeling in the world....but think of it this way- you're out of it now. Isn't it a relief to get away from all the hurt & worry he caused you? You're free of it now. You're still hurting now, but it'll eventually become more bearable. And you'll still be free. Can even some small part of you think of it as a relief? That big hole in your heart will very very gradually be filled again, someday. And you're not alone Dags, you're not alone for friends. And you won't spend the rest of your life alone either :)

[Kat]

Thank you so mcuh BtG...
Will, Ozzy... :)
I'm feeling muuuuuuuch better now ^____^
( though sometimes you can't avoid getting miserbale again :P )

but I do feel better!
hah! who's he anyway!?
there are plenty of fish in the sea!

I'll just let him & his fiancee be...
although I still love him very much..

BUT!...

I'll just leave it that way.
after all, there's nothing wrong with that, right?
loving him still but not talking to him no more..

this time, I think it's over.

...but I think the real recovery will come when
the hole inside's finally sealed ^_^

so...

that's that.

*does an Arnold schwatcheneger*
( whatever the spelling is )

hasta la vista baby.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS...
YOU'RE ALL BIG HELP.

I'm saved ^_^

[swatleader]

well i guess i came into this one to late but i guess i better throw my 2 cents in i mean better late than never. well about the same thing happened to me earlier this year i was going out with a girl named heather and i loved her with all my heart and i was always around her and she always told me how sweet i was and all this stuff that i was better than her ex but come june 21st that was the worse day of my life just about when she dumped me and she did not even say it to me when we were instant messaging each other she just sat there writing the e-mail that ruined my summer and after sending that e-mail she expected me to except her apology than to move on and i tried my best to keep her for a month and even than i never got a real answer why she broke up with me than she finally just e-mailed me and said she never even loved me in the first place and that hurt me more than anything and well i tried to at least be a friend to her after that but come halloween i decided why not go to her halloween party but i ended up being outside alone all night and decided it best to never talk to her again nor try to even see her face which i think is the right thing to do after what she put me through. theres a lot more about this situation but some of it i would rather keep out of this. people like this just can be plain cruel at times when you think they are one of the best friends you got they turn out to be one of the cruelest ones you ever had.

[Beatrix the Goddess]

Thanks for sharing that swatleader :) See Dags? No reason to feel disgusted with yourself, it happens to a lot of perfectly nice people.

I'm not sure of it's the best course of action, because the easiest path isn't always the right path....but I've found that cutting the person out of your life and just not thinking about them is the easiest way to cope. I will always talk to my ex if he needs help, no matter what I feel, because at heart I don't think he's a bad person, but the rest of the time...I find I get on with life better if I just don't think about it. Cowardly? Probably, but hey, no-one's perfect.

Now you get on & get better Dags :)

[Kat]

THANK YOU GUYS...

you definitely made me realize a lot of
things... and thanks to all that you said,
( especially BtG! )

I was able to analayze a lot of things that I shouldv'e
seen sooner:

- I was just used
- I can still move on
- Everything's not entirely my fault.

I realized this just this morning when I was praying
inside the school chapel... I told myself,

"I know it's my fault... I know it is..."

but after some long & hard thinking, I realized
some was his fault... a lot of it actually...

- He didn't look after his cellphone.

If he did, then we wouldn't be in this mess!

- He didn't tell me he was engaged in the 1st place.
- He kept making me feel insecure which in result,
made me hate him more.

So guys, thank you so much!!

really! thank you!

you helped me get up again...

you don't know how much I appreciate this... :')

THANK YOU.

[Tayvius]

Oh damnit it's a bit late now for my infinitley meaningful words but.............

By what i've read(took me a while but i get it) if the guy was as quick to blow you off after his mother said he could'nt see you then he does'nt deserve you. If it was me i would'nt give a shit what my mum said i would still go out with her. I would say "It's my life my decisions, when you start to live my life you can make my decisions but until then stay out of it if this is all your going to do". But anywhere in the world i can't even grasp how this can happen to anybody. I lost somebody almost 2 years ago that i loved with all my heart on me saying one STUPID little thing. Now i bet if you sound as kind and as caring as i think you are then i bet he WILL regret letting you go. I know it doesn't sound easy but carry on find somebody you know is right and stick to it.

Well i know it's a little late but hope it helps you in some way.
Good Luck:D

[Kat]

hehe, that's OK...

I told him the exact same thing.

"If you really loved me, then why didn't you fight for me?"

he was just silent.

well, that's that.

thanks for that Gamegod ;)

[swatleader]

o one thing i just remembered was a friend of mine i know was faced with a similar problem, his mom told him straight out either he break up with his current girl friend or he walk out the house and not come back and well he up and walked out and he went to stay with his girl friend until his mom saw it had no affect on him at all and let him back in the house but he said that there was nothing that would make him break up with her. so like what was already said, if he loved you he would not have just done what he did so easily or at all for that matter he should have fought for you but instead he didn't.

[Kat]

yeah, thanks swat...
I know.

I just learned another thing today...

Don't give a guy / girl your ALL.

you guys get me?

don't give the whole 100% of your heart...
'cuz if you do & break up,
in the end the one who will be hurt the most
will be none other than you.

I gave him my 101%...
and now look what happened.

I got really hurt.

but surprisingly,
I've recovered faster
than I thought I would.

( 'cuz when my first BF broke up with me,
it took a year for me to heal.. )

and he was asking me to come back when drew & me
were still together, but I didn't accept.

that's why it's just... so unfair... how could he...

um... thanks again.
I've learned alot ^_^

[swatleader]

well thanks for the advice even though i wish i knew that before my other gf broke up with me i mean when she did what she did it hurt it really did and now i suffer from an even worse case of depression than i had before and just everything got so much worse than it had been but i have slowly moved on, got someone new and turned things slowly around.

[Will]

Sorry for not replying for a while. I'm glad your starting to feel better now. Don't give up hope so soon although it seem impossible though you must be alot nicer than him if you stuck by him. Don't let him get you down from now if it hurts.
Hang in there

[Kat]

Thanks Will. I'll just let them be...

there's nothing I can do to change
the fact that I'm rejected anyways.

just... accept it... I guess...

*takes a deep breath*

OH WELL.

[ilovefinalfantasy]

Well, I know that I'm coming in really late, and not like most other people I've never really had a GF or ever broken up with one. But, some advice. I think you'll already know some of this, but your last post pushed me to posting this.

Well, you're right. It wasn't you're fault. He's the one who didn't stick with you, like you did. He's the one who didn't keep track of his cellphone. Not you. And in your last post, you said you were rejected. Well, I don't want you to feel that way. YOU weren't rejected EXACTLY by him, but by his mom. He did the actions to lead to his mom rejecting you, but HE himself didn't reject you until his mother probably MADE him be rejectful o_O to you.


The point that I'm trying to get at is that you weren't rejected by HIM but by his mom, and his mom isn't who you loved. You loved HIM. He ingnored you prolly because him mother made him. So, I don't want you to feel rejected by HIM at least.

[Beatrix the Goddess]

Rejection. That word won't stop spinning round in your head will it. You were rejected. You weren't good enough. You're worthless. He/She doesn't care. You were never loved. You're not worth loving.

I bet a lot of people reading that will have painful memories asociated with those words. Not just you Dagger. You're not alone.

But ask yourself this- How many people have told you, or implied that you are good enough for someone, that you do have worth? I count 5 people from just this thread. Then there's all the people who have read this and just don't know how to convey the comfort they want to give. And your other friends that don't belong to this board. The total number must be well into double figures now. People who think the rejectee is worth something. How many people have told the rejector that since this happened? I'm guessing not more than one or two.

Don't let one person's misguided opinion affect you so much, just because you love him. Or did love him.

I know there's no "just" about it really.....but what else can I say? I could tell you how rejection just means the two people in question have differences, not because one is better than the other, and my words would be perfectly true, but would you believe it? I certainly didn't until recently.

It's true that in many cases the person who ends a relationship is not in the wrong, because there's no point living a lie. It's the way they go about it that decides whether they....are justified in the pain they cause. Sorry if I offend you but I don't think Drew was justified at all.

I know you might feel that you'd give up all this support just to have things back the way they were....and there's nothing we can do about that. For me, it passed with time. I just hope it can happen for you too. My own experience does not give me the authority to say that it will happen, or that it happens in every case, because how would I know? All I can say, from looking around me and inside me, is that in time the pain will become controllable. In time.

[Kat]

thanks... and sorry XP
( I'm getting scold! )

I know this pain will heal...
and I think 25% is all that's left, really.
I WAS bothered before because just the
other night, he suddenly sent me text
messages saying

"you bitch!"

then

"you whore!"

and last

"you are such a flirt!!"

:roll:

YEAH. I was VERY bothered the other night.
( Tuesday night. ) but the very next day I was AOK again ^_^

I'm not gonna let him get to me anymore.
'cuz I just realized what kind of person he truly is.
what I've mentioned aren't the only things he's done to me.

not just the cousin jealouy thing & all these...
there are still more guys. you have no idea...

[_Vincent_]

I thought about all this when my girlfriend dumped me. NOW she wants me back..says she shouldn't have dumped me...but, well...that's a differnt story. I was feeling pain for about a week.
And, BtG, those questions, and statement, exactly what I said.

I did get over it, eventually, though. And, I'm sure you can, too.