Tallulah
Mar 24, 2007, 11:46 AM
Well...
As some of you might know I've been having a hard time with Jason lately. Last week, I thought things were getting better, and he hinted that he might want to get back with me in a few weeks, he even told his mother we might get back together, and she seemed delighted.
Anyway, I suggested we meet up for a drink, so we did, and he made me feel so sad, some of the stuff he said. I didn't want to tell him that I do want to get back with him, because I think we are really good together, and he's usually such a lovely, caring guy, and I know I'll never meet anyone else like him. I have met a few new guys this week, a couple who I thought I might be interested in, but I've thought about it hard, and I don't think it would work with either of them (one is too much of a slacker, and one is too much of a geek). Later in the night, Jason was saying he wants to let me go because I'm only 23, he's the only person who's proplerly 'done it' with me, and he wants me to meet other people. Now that is bullshit, because some people are lucky enough to find someone quite early in their lives. I've only told one person this (he knows who he is! :) ) but I might as well say it as it is an obvious part of the problem. Around Christmas time, I had these feelings that he could be 'The One' *holds up finger like that little kid in Love Actually*, but his attitude that he's not good enough for me has brought that crashing to the ground, and I hate it, and him, to a certain extent.
At the end of the night, he and Neal (a mutual friend who's come to stay) decided to go home and just leave me in the Jailhouse all by myself. A year ago I would have been okay with this, but now so much has happened, and I don't like being left alone any more. That's why I'm really enjoying the Gateway to Work course I met these new people at; we're all in the same boat, and it's just great being amongst people in general, the camaraderie is fantastic. Also, my job is driving me mad because I'm left alone to do everything. I can do it, but I feel so isolated.
Anyway, I felt abandoned, so I went out after Jason, and started shouting the odds at him like an idiot, and was on the brink of telling him that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while, but I was afraid of upsetting him, plus it wouldn't have sounded good coming from me in the state I was in. I kept accusing him of pushing me, and shouted at him not to kiss me (even though it was on the cheek), so he just got into a huff and walked away, which he was perfectly within his rights to do. I texted him that I was sorry, but I felt abandoned, and he replied 'We're not together anymore, so what's the problem?'. Now that really upset me. Even friends are supposed to stick together, and not abandon each other. I nearly told him 'I don't think we should see each other any more, it's too painful for me. Goodbye', but I was too scared to send it. This morning I sent one saying 'I'm sorry I was such a bitch last night, it was the drink talking.'
I was so horrible to him last night. I fear that I have lost him, and his friendship, forever...
I hate myself. I am such an awful person. ;_;
As some of you might know I've been having a hard time with Jason lately. Last week, I thought things were getting better, and he hinted that he might want to get back with me in a few weeks, he even told his mother we might get back together, and she seemed delighted.
Anyway, I suggested we meet up for a drink, so we did, and he made me feel so sad, some of the stuff he said. I didn't want to tell him that I do want to get back with him, because I think we are really good together, and he's usually such a lovely, caring guy, and I know I'll never meet anyone else like him. I have met a few new guys this week, a couple who I thought I might be interested in, but I've thought about it hard, and I don't think it would work with either of them (one is too much of a slacker, and one is too much of a geek). Later in the night, Jason was saying he wants to let me go because I'm only 23, he's the only person who's proplerly 'done it' with me, and he wants me to meet other people. Now that is bullshit, because some people are lucky enough to find someone quite early in their lives. I've only told one person this (he knows who he is! :) ) but I might as well say it as it is an obvious part of the problem. Around Christmas time, I had these feelings that he could be 'The One' *holds up finger like that little kid in Love Actually*, but his attitude that he's not good enough for me has brought that crashing to the ground, and I hate it, and him, to a certain extent.
At the end of the night, he and Neal (a mutual friend who's come to stay) decided to go home and just leave me in the Jailhouse all by myself. A year ago I would have been okay with this, but now so much has happened, and I don't like being left alone any more. That's why I'm really enjoying the Gateway to Work course I met these new people at; we're all in the same boat, and it's just great being amongst people in general, the camaraderie is fantastic. Also, my job is driving me mad because I'm left alone to do everything. I can do it, but I feel so isolated.
Anyway, I felt abandoned, so I went out after Jason, and started shouting the odds at him like an idiot, and was on the brink of telling him that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while, but I was afraid of upsetting him, plus it wouldn't have sounded good coming from me in the state I was in. I kept accusing him of pushing me, and shouted at him not to kiss me (even though it was on the cheek), so he just got into a huff and walked away, which he was perfectly within his rights to do. I texted him that I was sorry, but I felt abandoned, and he replied 'We're not together anymore, so what's the problem?'. Now that really upset me. Even friends are supposed to stick together, and not abandon each other. I nearly told him 'I don't think we should see each other any more, it's too painful for me. Goodbye', but I was too scared to send it. This morning I sent one saying 'I'm sorry I was such a bitch last night, it was the drink talking.'
I was so horrible to him last night. I fear that I have lost him, and his friendship, forever...
I hate myself. I am such an awful person. ;_;