Leave it all behind

[seph]

I find it kind of funny that with all the help I try to give here in LHH sometimes I just can’t even help myself. Is this one of those things where humans just need other people to use a crutch sometimes? Maybe so, even then here is what I am currently dealing with.

Ever since I enlisted I have been faced with a barrage of challenges ranging from physical to mental. I have been told off by many and even by family, I have been asked and begged not to go by my closest friends, one in particular whom I care much about. I have stood strong in my decision and didn’t let their words effect me. This might be the problem.

I want to state before I go any further that I am in a complete and sound state of mind, I don’t want any of you to think I am going crazy or anything. I still analyze situations from every angle, I still look at people and show compassion, I still worry and get hurt.

I wanted to say that because I am going through a radical change in my life. Many people may have struggles with parents (Hell I do, mine are going through a divorce and are trying to drag me down with it), with my family, and my friends. My main struggles are emotional; I guess you could say I am eating myself away from the inside out. I care about my friends (Some of them) my family (Mainly siblings) but I have a problem with leaving them (The ones I care about) behind as anyone would in my situation. I want to move on with my life and shut out everyone whom I don’t care about family wise, and relationship wise. I don’t want to have any real negative strings of my past lingering over me in my future. I guess that’s the first sign of a problem, I want to leave my parents behind me. Someone help me with that one, I will most likely do it but I need to know if something is wrong with that.

Another issue I am having. I am becoming much more violent than I have ever been in the past. I have been doing some training and it may just be some guy thing but ill be the first to tell you, at about 140 lb and 5'8" I am not the “toughest guy in the world”. I have been giving the idea of taking another’s life, in war, and I have no problem with it. It was not like a 10 minute “brainstorm”, no were talking a month vendetta just imagining myself in a situation where its my life or his and I would choose mine every time without even thinking. I think that my violent tendencies are pushing people away. I don’t know if it is my mind preparing itself for the challenges I am going to be facing ahead or if I am indeed going nuts. I would think that my sound state of mind in seeking opinions/suggestions would suggest otherwise.

I am in a pretty rough patch right now, less than 83 days till I ship out. Personally I think it is my mind preparing itself for the hell it is about to be exposed to. I am pushing those people away so that they don’t worry about me. My ideology is that the less people worrying about me the better I can do my job. I am much more interested in preserving life of others than my own, one of the main reasons I enlisted in the first place. I do feel as though I need to say sorry for all my problems being related to the military. It is not a easy choice I made but it was one I did make and I’m damn proud I did. If anyone could just offer me some words on the matter that would be good enough. I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for with this post but maybe, with your help, I will find it.

-Seph

[SpawnMan]

I definetly don't think your going crazy. I think part of you is trying to push the people you care about away some, and other's you dislike totally because any kind of distraction on the battlefield can cost you your life. You simply cannot afford to think about them, even though you want to. As to the violence increasing, I don't actually think it's increasing, I think your natural tendancy is coming out. You sound a lot like me, you tend to be in control of your emotions and thoughts, including anger, but there is a fine line to it, let your aggression come out some, or else it will destroy you from the inside out, just remember you are stilla human being, and that you should never really enjoy violence, and never enjoy killing. As for me, were Melissa in danger, you bet I'd kill the person trying to hurt her, granted they would have to be trying to seriously hurt her, I'm not talking about a slap here, fora slap I'd merely beat him in a fight, I mean real violence against her, then I would kill, and I wouldn't hesitatea second. Just be neutral about it, don't enjoy it, and don't beat yourself up for it, or else you will again, lose your sanity. I grew up in a military family, both my parents were military, I would be too, but I can't due to some complications. Well I hope this helped you at least a little, oh and even if you have to push the people you do care about away, never stop loving them, and never stop telling them you love them, because there may be no tomorrow.

[Rinoa leonheart]

Seph your not crazy or going crazy, all life is a combonation of good & evil, & I have to say that you are not an evil person. I know everybody can be evil when we want to be but look at the amount time you've tryed to help people rather than hurt them & you'll see your not a bad guy. as for the pushing people away thing I can completeley understand were your coming from. when I was younger some really bad stuff happend to me & I started being a little cow to everyone I cared about. I pushed them away because I did'nt want anyone to get close enough to do that kind of damage to me again. In this situation though I'm not 100% sure its a good thing to do I mean shouled'nt the people you care about be your insentive for coming home alive with out them who wouled you be fighting for. I'm not sure what to say but maybe the fact that the time to leave & fight is getting closer is frightning you more than you realise. my mother was in the army when I was a baby I wanted to join to but couled'nt due to my medical history. I think pushing away the people you care about is'nt a good thing because you'll need suppot to face the dangers ahead. I can imagine how you must feel but pushing them away will only make things worse in the long run (trust me I know). why not try talking about it & get everything resolved before you go pushing people away is just anouther way of running from a problem instaid of dealing with it. I hope this helps a little & I'm sorry if my being rubbish with words has hurt your feelings & if thay have & am sorry, I hope it all go's well & know that no matter what you chose were behind you my friend ;) don't have any regrets.:)

[SlankyZerM]

Mate, you'll be fine. what your experiencing is very normal and i'm sure your comrades are thinking the same thing. I am very proud of the fact you want to serve your country, our ctounrties are allies and therefore you are my brother in arms. Focus on the love in your life, cause when your in hell you'll need it to keep you going. And remember what the soldier said to saint peter at the pearly gates..

"Im here to serve in heaven, cause i've served my time in hell"