Need your help quite badly...

[Tallulah]

I'm kind of worried right now. :( Stay with me, it's complicated. :P

My friend, Gem, has just had a nasty break-up with her boyfriend, Ian, whom she has been with (in a manner of speaking!) for four years. He became distant with her recently, and was blaming his own depression, and the fact he was trying to get Emma, an old girlfriend of his off his back, even though he was still sleeping with her whilst professing to be with Gem.

Now a couple of months ago, Gem asked Ian if he was serious about her, and wasn't just using her for sex. He took it in a less than manly fashion, and his attitude was like 'how dare you question my feelings for you!' However he has only contacted her when he wants something (i.e. sex), and Gem has recently found out, through friends and ex-colleagues (her and Ian used to work together) some pretty disturbing things.

There is a rumour going round around where this Ian lives, and apparently there is a man who lives there who has been quoted as being 'an evil womaniser.' The subject of this rumour is thought to be the aforementioned Ian. Apparently he likes young, blonde girls Gem's age (24) and younger, and has also been dating another girl, Anna, along with Gem and Emma, and it appears these three are just a few of many.

Gem knows all this, and eventually, decided to break up with him. I am relieved about this as he was no good for her, but sadly Gem doesn't feel like this. She couldn't even get a proper answer out of him as to why he did not want to be with her, all she got was snivelling responses such as 'I'm no good for anyone... I need to be on my own... QQ blah blah...' (which sounds like one of MY exes to be honest... :angry: )

Gem has just had a visit from, and reluctantly gone to visit, her mum in Stroud, which she has just come back from. I phoned her this morning, which is how I found out. She was sobbing down the phone, saying her mother was no help at all, as drink is her solution to everything. Gem gets emotional when she's had a few, and she didn't want to make a fool of herself in a crowded pub. Besides, she hates being down in Stroud, as she was there when her much-loved dad died a couple of Christmases ago, and it simply reminds her of that moment.

What worries me is what she might do. Ian has, like it or not, been a huge part of her life for four years, and she has become so attached to him. A similar thing happened to me a couple years back with a freak called Ed, but that only lasted four months, thankfully. Gem cannot turn off her feelings as easily as I can. Before she came off the phone she was saying things like "I just want to die..." Now that has really upset me. If I could get to her, just jump on a coach to Liverpool I would... but I have so much to do this week and next. I also happen to know that Gem has a dependency on sleeping pills, so I worry what she could do.

Through the last four years or so she has seen her dad through a stroke; seen him die; lost Pepper, her eldest of her four cats; lost Buddy, her youngest and favourite cat; had to give up Bea; and all her local so-called friends, Chloe and Laura (not me!) are self-absorbed, self-obsessed and useless. I have promised to give Gem a call tomorrow after she gets some well-needed sleep. I hope she'll be all right... ;_;

Sorry for the rambling. Any advice would be appreciated. :) Thanks.

[Mikayla]

Well, I may not be much of any help, as I may possibly just be too young of age, but it seems right now that all your friend needs is someone to lean on, as well as some long-term, painful, closure.

However, I think there are two things that people really want in this sort of situation: someone to be with and to have their moments alone to just fall apart and try and collect themselves again.

If you're too busy, then I think you should probably consider just calling her whenever you get the chance, as it's always good to just get a nice phone call now and then and just talk out all the problems, or even stuff not even pertaining to the problem. I think it's a matter of knowing someone out there cares enough to call now & then and see how you're doing. It makes you seem a little more special when, in her case, she probably doesn't feel all that special at all. I'm not sure about her other friends, but I think as many people that call it's at least a little better. If she doesn't want to talk or do anything she just won't answer, and I think that's respectable.

Maybe if you told her that you can't be here for her now, but you want to as much as you can, it'll make her feel better.

But that's all I really know what to say. Usually I think the healing process involves just falling apart first and picking the pieces up later. Honestly, I don't blame her for feeling like absolute shit and just wanting to die. (I think it could be more of an expression of wanting to die, but then again, you know her more than we could.)

I think just talking will really help ease a lot of pain, and I'm very sorry about everything that's going on. I hope you get everything to settle down and find some peace. I may be a bit young but that's my input at least. :)

Best of luck!

[Dedrus]

Situations like this are always hard to deal with, but usually a good friend to just talk to and rely on helps a great deal.
I think Gem is currently thinking over everything that she's been through, constantly mixing in harsher thoughts - unfortunately, it's a stage people in Gem's situation have to go through to try and pick up the pieces and eventually start to think about less and less each day. The most you can do for Gem right now is to simply talk to her and let her know you care - maybe, if at all possible, try meeting her, regardless of the date - it sounds like she trusts you immensenly, so seeing you in person again would really lighten her up.

Of course, without knowing Gem personally I cannot judge how she would be acting or thinking at this stage.
The sleeping pills may be an issue, I wouldn't rule it out, but with support from you or other friends she should stick to her guide.

Another important issue would be not to smother her too much, giving her some space now and then to let her think things through on her own will help her steady her own mind.

Pay attention to her, talk to her and show her you care - there really isn't much else you could do. Don't burden this entirely on yourself though, otherwise you will feel the stress too - so be careful.

However, like Not Miko, I am rather young, so I may not understand completely - I hope I've helped, even in the slightest.
Best wishes to Gem and good luck to you Tallulah :)

[Aether]

Without repeating the other two too much, the most you can do for her right now is just to be there for her. And make sure she knows it too.

Again like the others, sometimes with these situations (and I've seen some aquaintances have their friends go through much the same thing) the best thing is to let it fall apart and pick up the pieces. If you think this Gem can take it, just make sure you keep a kindly eye on her and let her know you're there for anything she needs.

If you're really worried about what she might do, if you've got a friend or someone you can trust to be discrete about it, get them just to drop in on her and see how she's going and let you know.

[Michael]

I wouldn't take remarks like "I just want to die..." too seriously. She's clearly dealing with a lot of heavy emotions that she's having a hard time dealing with, and that kinda stress can be hard. She's just really worn out from dealing with it all.

Just be her friend. Be patient with her, and understanding if she's not always rational in how she responds. Give her your thoughts if she asks for them, and give her space when you feel she needs it. She'll be okay in a while, when another stunningly sweet guy sweeps her off her feet.

What I don't understand is how nobody could have been aware of any of this stuff.

[Minion]

Ah, well.

My gf had something like this happen to her last bf. Turns out he was doin it with like, 2 other girls other than her, etc, etc.

She only caught wind of this after they stopped dating and so forth. And she gets these little depression fits about how she isnt good enough for anyone.

For you, i'd say just take care of her for now.

My personal motto is this "Worry only about yourself, let everyone else worry about everyone else. As long as you're breathing, you're ok. You're better off than a lot of other people."

Then again, i've always been told 'Life sucks, get a helmet.' but, eh.

[Tallulah]

Thank you for your input, everyone. :)

She seems okay now, for the most part, but obviously still upset. I sent her a note, and a box of chocolates to try and cheer her up. It seems to have worked a little.

Hopefully I'll get some time to give her a call on Tuesday. :)

[Dedrus]

That's good to hear :D
Just keep up with what your doing, it's helping her along it seems ;)