This isn't working.

[Siberian Khatru]

A while back, I lost my phone line. Having full-time internet access was probably the only thing keeping me 'sane'. I live in a trailer with my mom (I used to live alone, and then I went to college for a while, but my finances all died and now I live in a tiny tiny place. Bah.).

I get depressed a lot. Vivi knows... I've probably put far too much on her in the last couple years with my ranting and such... :( well... usually, I'll write a poem or something when I get down. That's probably why I've got a billion of 'em floating around... :| Now, I really don't have anywhere to turn. I take Effexor XR for depression (used to take Lexapro, but it was ineffective) and Seroquel so I can sleep. I can't really talk to my mom, because she's nearly always drunk... and talking to myself just brings back the really scary stuff... I'm too paranoid to keep a journal or a diary.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. My thoughts are disjointed and don't even make sense to me. I guess I should just be thankful for the good friends I have here, especially Vivi_Stalker and Arrowcat. To be honest, getting to know them was probably one of the best things to happen to me in recent times...

So should I submit the post, or not? I don't even know if anyone can make sense of it. I guess I will... if it doesn't make any sense, just disregard it.

Edit: Now I remember. Kinda. Ugh. I'm pissed off at my alcoholic mom, and I usually take a double-dose of my Seroquel to knock me out so I don't have to think.

I have the sudden urge to write. Non-fictional happenings from this morning.

"What's that Yes CD you left in my CD player, in the Suburban?" She was obviously intoxicated. It wasn't her appearance, or her tone of voice, or even the very question she asked that caused me to be aware of her drunkenness. It was the simple fact that after her morning cup of coffee, she switches over to alcohol, and it was already noon.

"Is the the red one?" Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe wasn't technically a Yes album, but it was all the same to her. She even refers to the work Jon Anderson did with Vangelis as Yes music.

"No, not that one. I think the dog chewed that one up." Mother****er. I hate her dog. And I hate her dog even more for chewing up my ABWH CD. It wasn't easy to come by. I cursed under my breath, and the knowledge that I remembered to rip it before I lent it to her kept me from shaking uncontrollably.

"Well, I don't remember putting any Yes CDs in your CD player." Yes was her favorite band. She didn't even know who Yes was until I showed her my Symphonic Live DVD. Months later, she disregarded all other affilations with bands to fully embrace the Yes spirit. This is a good clue to her intoxication. She should know Yes inside and out, so why was she questioning?

"It's got that one song, All On A Sunday." All On A Sunday? That's not Yes. "Yeah. I swear I heard Jon Anderson singing his heart out."

"Mom. That's Spock's Beard." I sighed and turned to my medication. This was going to be a long day.

...that was pointless. Ugh... *lays down on the ground and stares at the lights*

[Sofa King]

Your mother is an alcoholic. And you get depress on your current lifestyle and your situation with her. But you have found some friends to talk to. Friends are always good to have in your life. Because without friends the world can be an awkard, lonely place to live in.
Would it be okay if I told you to try and deal with your problems instead of letting it manifest by calling it pointless.
Parents arent perfect and they are like everyone else. Looks like your mother needs to know her problems too if she is drowning herself with alcohol. But thats something you got to make her understand. AA is the way to go these days. Ive seen how alcoholics are and have had friends and family who struggled with it. Some got better by seeking help.
Thats my advice for your mother and especially you. Its really up to you to make your life better. First steps always a little difficult but once you get going you wont be able to stop.

Also you said you like to write poems about it. Well if they are appropiate in you should post some. You could also post them here in this thread. Would be good to read what you are writing.

[Siberian Khatru]

Ack. I must've really been messed up when I wrote this post... I don't remember doing it. @_@ I, uh, suffer from schizotypal personality disorder... it's not the most fun thing.

A poem? Sure... I wrote this one a while back...

http://ajennings.hypermart.net/finality.jpg

And that other stuff... yeah, my mom's pretty bad about that alcoholic thing... she won't try to get help. Once, I talked her into going to rehab, and she escaped a day or two into it. @_@

[Beatrix the Goddess]

Well, it's good you have friends to talk to, feel free to use this forum too :)

You know, rather than getting so bogged down with the worries and difficulties your mother gives you...why not start thinking about those things within yourself? No matter how bad they are- it sounds like it's a lot easier to solve your own problems than your mother's right now :)

You say you suffer from depression, how do you think the Effexor XR is helping you? It's a pretty reputable drug, but still..like you've already said- Lexapro was ineffective. It can take a bit of jiggling around to get depression medicines right, so maybe it'd be worth going to see your doctor again? They should be able to give you access to other things too- depression therapy for one thing. Drugs aren't the only answer. Investigating other options might give you something good. Get yourself out of the house too- even if it's just for walks, go out & find a nice secluded spot to write some poetry. Or find yourself a new interest- maybe even try finding a job? I know it all sounds like a big pointless effort, but once you get there- it's very likely you'll start feeling better about yourself.

And as for getting your mum help- like I said, it'll be easier to do once you yourself are in a better position. But I agree with BlanK too- the AA can work wonders. Might be a good idea to try it out.

Feel free to post more :)

[Ozma Omega]

Ack, I`m really sorry I`m so late.
I`ve been away from the boards the last couple of days.

I think it`s a good idea to try to sort out your own difficulties before your mother`s.
It might be really hard, I know.
In my opinion, the best way to do that is to go outside and find a place where you can be alone, with no one there to disturb you, and just think.
Think about things you can do to make your life easier, find out the main reasons for your depression, and try to find out if there`s anything you can do to make things easier on yourself... if that made sense.
Maybe also express yourself by writing some poetry. (you seem to be really good at that.)

About your depression drugs, to be honest, I don`t know very much about them, so I`m not sure what to say, but I do know that getting therapy is probably a much better solution.
I realise that now that you`ve started using Effexor XR, it might be really, really hard to quit, though.
But in the end, you`ll feel a whole lot better about yourself, believe me.

As for your mum, as already said, it`s a best to concentrate on making you feel better first.
And yeah, AA is also an option, even though it doesn`t seem like your mum is very positive to that.

It`s a really good thing that you have friends to support you.
Friends are truly valuable in times like these. :)

I hope things work out for you, SK.
Hang in there! :)