View Full Version : depression....
Sep 24, 2003, 04:21 AM
I just want to get all this off my chest. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, just hear me out. Well lately I've been feeling completely left out of everything. I always feel like the odd man out, and I feel like I don't really fit in with my group of friends. Whenever I try to talk to one of them, I can never think of anything to say and I just feel like a boring person. Also to top it off, the girl that I like a whoooole lot...well :-/ she talks to just about everyone BUT me...we used to be really good friends but now I'm not so sure. Well today I was feeling EXTRA depressed because at school today at lunch, it seemed everyone was talking and having a good time but me... Then to top off my bad day, I waved at the girl I like because usually that's what friends do to one another, and she just walked by like she didn't even see me. Maybe she didn't see me, I don't know, but when I got home today I was feeling HORRIBLE, I couldn't take any of it
I thought about killing myself again, and I thought that if I killed myself, maybe they would learn not to take things for granted. I don't know, maybe all I wanted was attention. But the thing that really made me decide to try, was just curiosity. I think everyone is curious to see what happens when they die, and the way I see it, it's a win-win situation. If I don't die, I get another chance to live and maybe improve things. If I die, I get to find out what it's like and get my attention or whatever, AND I wouldn't have to deal with the burden of living my life where I feel so alone. So I did it, I ODed....again.... I attempted suicide last year around this time, and this time it was kind of different, and a little more scary. At first it was the same, I felt nothing, maybe a little better even about my life. Then after about 10 minutes, I thought about the girl not talking to me, and I just burst into tears. I kept crying and crying and I cried for about an hour....maybe more. (is that normal?) It wasn't normal crying either....I would have tears coming out, and I'd start sobbing, but it was like I was gasping for breathe. I thought I was going to die. But nope, I just kept crying. After a while my face and arms started getting numb, I was getting lightheaded, and thought for SURE I was going to die ANY SECOND. So I laid on the couch and tried to fall asleep. I had to much on my mind, too much guilt.
So I called up the girl I liked, and told her how much I liked her and that I love her no matter how she feels about me. Then I told her that I thought I was going to die, what I did blah blah blah. I don't know why...it kind of felt like I was drunk but it felt like my IQ went up about 20 points....seriously. I felt like...like I had more to say, like my problems were solved with talking to people. Well apparently, she cared more about me then I thought, and she was very worried. She said she was going to call 911. That was probably the last thing I wanted. My dad always talked about how cowardly suicide is...I don't know, I just would rather my parents find me dead in my house. So I told her that I made up the story about ODing (which I didn't) and that I just said that so I could tell her how I feel. Well that made things worse than they were before. Well I called up my best friends, and just told them that I loved them and whatever happens that they should never forget me. After argueing with them for a while, I got really dizzy and hung up. I called my best friend that's a girl and explained and she, unlike my other friends, didn't argue. Just...discussed it. Why I did it, blah blah blah. After talking to her for almost an hour, I realized, shouldn't i be dead by now? So it was another failed suicide attempt. It's weird though....like the effects of the pills made me WANT to talk to people, WANT to do homework. Even as I type this to you, I think I'm still under the effects of the pills. I don't think I'd be able to type all of this if I wasn't... Like this girl that I know at school, well we havn't talked much, but we are still friends, and today I talked to her on the phone for about an hour...which is a great improvement.
WELL if you read all that, thank you. I really appreciate it. I think what I lack most these days is a friend I can talk to. You really don't know how great it feels to say this... Well I feel SO good now. Like physically and mentally. This probably won't be the last time I do this... nobody knows how good I feel right now. I don't know if it's like a high or whatever, it's like a combination of a high and an orgasm. Looking back at why I wanted to kill myself...I really actually feel stupid. Death is no way to get attention. Death is no way to show someone not to take things for granted. Anyways, peace out.
Sep 24, 2003, 09:02 AM
I'm very glad that you got that off your chest... Usually I don't really have anything on my chest or anywhere else in my body o_O
hah, anyways, suicide isn't really a good way of solving things, so try to communicate with others, it'll make you feel better... just like what you did..
Sep 24, 2003, 08:59 PM
I know a little bit how you feel... Left out, dejected...Taken for granted? Yeah.
The important thing to look at here, is that the girl called help for you. Even if you had to lie to cover up what happened, there's still that fact. People do care, more than you'd think.
As much as I ponder the meaning of life and death myself, and suicide, I've never actually had the ideas in my head or the ambition to do such a thing. Mainly because my best friend since preschool did exactly the same thing as you, but for different reasons.
I'm probably completely out of line, and shouldn't be giving advice on what I don't understand... But I think that you just need someone to listen. It really does help. I don't think it's your need for the pills to open up... Once you can break the barrier, just talk to people. Who cares if you sound boring? That's their loss, really.
If you need anyone to talk to, it helps. It really does, as you've proved. :) Anyone here would gladly listen, myself included. You're a great person, and you have as many problems as the next guy.
Just talk. To a trusted friend, or someone who's more qualified. Most people don't think seeking help is cool, nor a viable or helpful option... And generally stay away from it. But it DOES help to some degree. A person who can't judge you or release info... You'd be suprised. I'm thankful I went to someone at times when I thought all was lost.
In any case, if this banter was at all helpful, I'm glad.
Sort things out, r3k. It'd be a terrible loss if someone such as yourself wasted their life. If you need to talk at all, UFF9 members are here. :) We're only a PM away.
Sep 26, 2003, 12:09 AM
Well, I think the big problem with suicide, as I think you may have decided, is that its not going to improve your situation. The thing is, if you suceed in suicide- then that girl is definitely never gonna date you, and you're never gonna find out whether you'll get her- or maybe find someone totally different instead.
If you fail, as you did, and people find out, then while you get a certain symapthy, theres always gonna be a sort of- withdrawal from you. I dunno, its just rather than thinking of you as you, people think of you as that person who tried to kill themselves, if you see what I mean. Obviously you've done it now, so its too late for me to say that, but- I dunno, juust for future reference or something.
The thing is, is that as hard as life might seem right now, and as useless as this advice might sound, you really can't tell how you're gonna turn out. You're young, really young, and theres a lot of change ahead of you. I know I'm a totally different person at 18 than I was at 15, and I feel far more positive about myself than I did.
For immediate advice, I would say- first of all I wouldn't worry about not speaking that much to your friends- whatever man, be your own person. If you don't feel like saying much, or don't ahve much to say, then don't force it- the silent type does exist, and is fine. The girl- the girl I don't know about. As you can tell, she did care about you- everyone cares about each other much more than they show. I'm pretty sure she didn't ignore you the other day. I'm sorry, but the whole thing might have freaked her out a little bit. If you still want to, you can patch things up if you just talk to her some more, realistically as yourself as much as you can. But she really isn't the only girl in the world. I know it seems like it- damn does it seem like it sometimes- but she isn't.
To your final comment- please try and make it your last time. I know the feeling of realise might be really good, but its not healthy- you need to stay attached to the world so that you grow with it- try not to retreat into yourself and wahtever refuge you can find- fi you want things to improve you need to connect with others.
I don't know how much sense this made- not all my advice is right, and some of it might be a little offensive- believe me, I'm only trying to help using all my limited experience I have to hand.
Sep 26, 2003, 11:00 PM
Thanks guys....you really don't know how much that meant...
Well the thing is, I'm not the silent type. It's because of my ADD medication, it makes me concentrate and like, I dono I'm not myself with it. But actually, I think I'm already better at talking to people and stuff. About the girl....yeah today with her it was a little weird. And I kind of expected it to be like that. But I've been pretty sick for the past few days... I've had really bad trouble sleeping especially. Well I don't think I have to worry about doing it again. My mom found out what I did, and she hid all my meds and stuff. The messed up thing is she didn't like try to put me in counciling or whatever. :-/
Sep 27, 2003, 05:15 PM
Death is no way to get attention. Death is no way to show someone not to take things for granted.
I'm glad you figured that out yourself.
In a situation like that, not many would. :)
And you're right, I think what you need the most right now is someone to talk to about your problems.
Of course, it won't make them go away, but it'll definitely help you feel better.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
It might seem harder to open up to someone without the drugs, but that's only in the beginning, you'll get used to it.
I was a completely closed book towards my parents before, but I eventually told them everything bothering me, and things started going a lot better.
So my advice is to talk to your parents, or maybe a councellor or anyone else you trust about it.
What can you lose? It's worth a try.
As for the girl, well yeah, she's probably feeling a little uncomfortable talking to you after what happened, but don't worry.
She'll get used to the thought soon.
And you feel that you're boring when you're being yourself?
No one is. Then you're just talking to the wrong people.
The reason your mom didn't try to put you into councelling could be that she's still in shock because of what happened and she can't think properly, you know.
I'm not saying that is the reason, it's just what seems the most logical to me.
You could try to have a talk with her and figure out what to do about all this together.
Finally, I just want you to know that it's amazing how much your life can change in very little time.
Until about a month ago, I was feeling extremely depressed, almost concidered suicide.
But now I'm doing a lot better.
I haven't felt this good in years, actually.
This can, and will happen to you too, as long as you don't give up. :)
So hang in there.
Best of luck, r3k.
PM me anytime!
Beatrix the Goddess
Sep 29, 2003, 04:28 PM
Sorry to get here late..
r3k I imagine the reason your mum doesn't want you to have counselling is because her head is still reeling over the fact that all this went on without her knowing about it. She's probably very bewildered that you got to the point of suicide without her being able to help you. I expect the last thing she wants right now is to (as she sees it) neglect her responsibility even more by handing your emotional wellbeing completely over to someone else. It's not because she doesn't care about you- quite the opposite.
And as for medication making you not yourself...first step is to tell your friends about that, so they know why. You'll probably findf they'll be much more accommodating to you after that. But if this medicine is making you be that way- maybe because it's not suiting you? Especially if it's Ritalyn. I'd go see your doctor about getting it changed- there are other options available.
And there's no need to resort to suicide every time you feel life is monotonous or you feel ignored. Do something about it in other ways. Change can be good. Try something new that revitalises you, or if you feel a friend/girl is ignoring you, arrange to go out somewhere with them or just spend time with them, to help renew things. That'll make you feel better too :)
I hardly need to say it; but suicide isn't a double-sided coin. Not one where both sides are good anyway. Curious about what hapens after death? Go to a "you'll all burn in hellfire" type service, that'll stem your curiosity for a bit. Life isn't infinite. Everyine gets to find out what's after death eventually. There's no stopping it. But no-one gets to experience all that life can give- they only experience the things they get to fit in their lifetime. So make your life as long as possible if you're curious about things.I mean, there's millions of things that are quite likely to kill you anyway- adding to them isn't exactly a good idea.
Also, you might find the suicidal tendencies are related to your medication, so like I said- see if anything can be done :)
Sep 30, 2003, 08:24 AM
[QUOTE=r3k]I thought about killing myself againQUOTE]
Soz that kinda confused me for a sec. Well hope you sort this problem out but you cant get the rep if ur dead can ya? Anyway if dat gurl said she like u more then u expected go for it "only those who try will succeed" good luck
Nov 28, 2003, 04:26 AM
Well lately I've been feeling completely left out of everything. I always feel like the odd man out, and I feel like I don't really fit in with my group of friends. Whenever I try to talk to one of them, I can never think of anything to say and I just feel like a boring person.
That's me everyday at school. I only have one friend who i can talk to about anything private or about my feelings, everything. I talk to the peope at my bench too but not as close as the one friend. The bench#2 (directly opposite/across to our bench, the smae group but separated) causes more problems to me, as what you experienced, r3k.
I'm always left out, ignored, treated as though I'm invisible. But if they're alone or by themself at a certain time, and has no one else to talk to, they would come up to me and Katherine (my close friend) and pretend that they were our best friends. Yep, they're snobs. Whenever i talk to one of the peole in bench#2, they pretend to can't hear me. They pretend that I'm not there.
And whenever i open my mouth to speak, i always trail off because either they get bored or i think im boring them. That's why i never open my mouth. I'm not a really good encourager either. That's one of the reasons why they don't come up to me either. They don't respect me. I tell them an answer or something relating to what they are saying and of course they pretend i'm not there. Then guess what? A few minutes later, someone figures out the answer and they get the credit for it! I bet you felt that way too, r3k.
I'm not the silent type. It's because of my ADD medication, it makes me concentrate and like, I dono I'm not myself with it. But actually, I think I'm already better at talking to people and stuff. About the girl....yeah today with her it was a little weird. And I kind of expected it to be like that.
I'm the silent type. All i do is listen to what they're saying and keep my comments to myself. I'm scared i might say sometihng wrong or offend them, or i might have to trail off again and not finishing off what i intended on saying. I hate that feeling. Being silent is my thing. That's how i get through life. Similar to r3k, i did think about killing myself. I guess i was too chickened out on being dead or committing. I thought of ways on how to kill myself and that. LIke stabbing a knife thorugh myself, but that would hurt. What if i don't die? That means i'll have to suffer greater. I tohught about failing a suicide attemp. That would bring more pain and injury to myself. And i wouldn't want that.
I think everyone is curious to see what happens when they die, and the way I see it, it's a win-win situation. If I don't die, I get another chance to live and maybe improve things. If I die, I get to find out what it's like and get my attention or whatever, AND I wouldn't have to deal with the burden of living my life where I feel so alone.
Nothing. A total nothingness. Death. It's just ending your life, not improving on things. You'll maybe start a new life and maybe your new life is worst than the previous one. What good is it gonna make? So you want ppl notice you when you die? What good is that? How would you know they're gonna notice you? It would probably last for a day at the most and then they'll brush it off as though you were dirt and dust gathering the corner. Death is useless.
Someone who is commiting suicide are losers (no offense, because that goes to me as well) If you don't like your life, make it better. Who cares about others around you. It's your life, not there's. If they don't like it, stuff them. Tell them to fuck off. It's only high school, man. I'm in highschool too. And i dont give a shit about other ppl. I don't care abut them anymore. I'm nearly gonna be independant. I dont care if i'm an invisible person betweeen the people in bench#2 or other ppl around the school. It's their problem. I seriously don't think having MANY friends is important. I only have one close firend, and that's even already. The friends in bench#1, they're just friends, my classmates. Just get to school, say hi and get on with your school work. I'm not saying to stop having fun. Continue to do all the things you like to do and shut everyone else out of it.
Honestly, i have like someone in the past but i don't fully go into it. I don't wanna ruin my llife.
A quick advice - don't rely on relatives for advice (if you don't get along with them or if you don't like them like me.) They'll gonna make things worse.
I hope you have all the luck you can get to fulfil your dreams and aim for your future.
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