Amy
Oct 25, 2003, 03:57 AM
This week, I recieved the news that my dad is going to die.
If you've known me for a long time, you know that he's been dealing with cancer since May. He has been in the ER 4 different times. Supposedly doctors ran every test possible, or so they say, to see what was wrong. Nothing showed up in any of the tests other than my dad was dehydrated. They put him on potassium and sent him on his way.
This was their mistake. He went back in for what was a 'bowel obstruction' (yeah way more than anyone under the age of 18 needs / wants to know) 3 or so weeks ago. To dumb it down for immature / stupid people, he couldn't shit. So, they did exploratory surgery on monday, to find his bowel was completely encrusted with cancer, as well as other parts of his body. It's apparent that he has a very agressive kind that is throughout his body that no one could find, and chemotherapy will not do anything but shrink each of the tumors. I guess someone said that in order to kill all the cancer in his body they'd need enough radiation to kill him, so that's not even an option. They diagnosed him as terminal and he will not be coming back home again. He will be in the hospital until they can put him in a transitional home or a hospice.
I cannot come to terms with this because of all the shit between us. I can't come to terms because I feel so awful for saying all the things I've ever said about him. I said that i've hated him and I've wished death upon him. It's always been out of anger, but looking back.. I don't want my dad to die. He won't be there for the things I need him to be there for. Who will give me away if I get married, or who will be there when I graduate in the spring? How will this help anything? Not to mention the fact this is absolutely tearing my mother to pieces inside. She's done nothing but cry all day. Last night I went into my basement and saw the coat he always wears in the fall or spring, and I had a complete breakdown on the floor. I have tried so hard to be strong for my mom and family that I have to suck it up. I have to do this that and the other thing. I'm being relied on for way too much and too much is being dumped on me at once. No one can deal with what I have to deal with if you tried. My mom constantly tells me it's going to be okay and that i have everyone to talk to. It doesn't occur to anyone to just leave me alone and let me deal with it!! I am not going to go through 'stages' fuck that I'm not going to be 'angry' or 'hateful' or 'scared'.. I'm not two years old. I'm seventeen. I'm old enough to know how I will feel. I'm a competent person. My uncle and aunt feel differently, so I have them up my ass as well, telling me 'sweetie you know you can call me if you are having a happy day or a sad day' in this voice so condesending you want to puke on them and tell them to blow a balloon and fly away.
I can't go to the hospital because it reminds me that I'm losing someone that actually does / has cared for me for 17 years. I'm losing someone that i made cookies with and played barbies with when i was a toddler for christ sake. I'm losing someone who helped me prepare for my driving test, who gave me money for things, who always talked about the weather!!!! I'm not going to have that anymore and I can't accept it. I can't look at him so sick without having to be so selfish and change the topics of discussion. I can't look at him anymore because it's so hard.
My mom and aunt were in the car on the way home from a visit to the hospital tonight. My aunt brought up funeral arrangements and my mom told her my dad wants an open casket. Hearing this, and knowing I have to be at a funeral parlour and at a gravesite in god knows how long (or little time), it set me over the edge inside because even thinking about that corpse in that casket being my father, laying there like that.... i can't even think like it..
I just cannot deal with this at all. I dealt with my best friend dying but she wasn't my blood and she didn't raise me. My dad was there.
..I have to cut this off I can't talk about it anymore
If you've known me for a long time, you know that he's been dealing with cancer since May. He has been in the ER 4 different times. Supposedly doctors ran every test possible, or so they say, to see what was wrong. Nothing showed up in any of the tests other than my dad was dehydrated. They put him on potassium and sent him on his way.
This was their mistake. He went back in for what was a 'bowel obstruction' (yeah way more than anyone under the age of 18 needs / wants to know) 3 or so weeks ago. To dumb it down for immature / stupid people, he couldn't shit. So, they did exploratory surgery on monday, to find his bowel was completely encrusted with cancer, as well as other parts of his body. It's apparent that he has a very agressive kind that is throughout his body that no one could find, and chemotherapy will not do anything but shrink each of the tumors. I guess someone said that in order to kill all the cancer in his body they'd need enough radiation to kill him, so that's not even an option. They diagnosed him as terminal and he will not be coming back home again. He will be in the hospital until they can put him in a transitional home or a hospice.
I cannot come to terms with this because of all the shit between us. I can't come to terms because I feel so awful for saying all the things I've ever said about him. I said that i've hated him and I've wished death upon him. It's always been out of anger, but looking back.. I don't want my dad to die. He won't be there for the things I need him to be there for. Who will give me away if I get married, or who will be there when I graduate in the spring? How will this help anything? Not to mention the fact this is absolutely tearing my mother to pieces inside. She's done nothing but cry all day. Last night I went into my basement and saw the coat he always wears in the fall or spring, and I had a complete breakdown on the floor. I have tried so hard to be strong for my mom and family that I have to suck it up. I have to do this that and the other thing. I'm being relied on for way too much and too much is being dumped on me at once. No one can deal with what I have to deal with if you tried. My mom constantly tells me it's going to be okay and that i have everyone to talk to. It doesn't occur to anyone to just leave me alone and let me deal with it!! I am not going to go through 'stages' fuck that I'm not going to be 'angry' or 'hateful' or 'scared'.. I'm not two years old. I'm seventeen. I'm old enough to know how I will feel. I'm a competent person. My uncle and aunt feel differently, so I have them up my ass as well, telling me 'sweetie you know you can call me if you are having a happy day or a sad day' in this voice so condesending you want to puke on them and tell them to blow a balloon and fly away.
I can't go to the hospital because it reminds me that I'm losing someone that actually does / has cared for me for 17 years. I'm losing someone that i made cookies with and played barbies with when i was a toddler for christ sake. I'm losing someone who helped me prepare for my driving test, who gave me money for things, who always talked about the weather!!!! I'm not going to have that anymore and I can't accept it. I can't look at him so sick without having to be so selfish and change the topics of discussion. I can't look at him anymore because it's so hard.
My mom and aunt were in the car on the way home from a visit to the hospital tonight. My aunt brought up funeral arrangements and my mom told her my dad wants an open casket. Hearing this, and knowing I have to be at a funeral parlour and at a gravesite in god knows how long (or little time), it set me over the edge inside because even thinking about that corpse in that casket being my father, laying there like that.... i can't even think like it..
I just cannot deal with this at all. I dealt with my best friend dying but she wasn't my blood and she didn't raise me. My dad was there.
..I have to cut this off I can't talk about it anymore