a bad year

[Il Palazzo]

A month after I joined this forum, I started dating Amanda. She was my first real girlfriend, and it was... awesome. I loved her fiercly, and the next year and a half were awesome. But, this year it started going wrong.

I went off to university, while she stayed back, taking a gap year. So we were at a distance, and living very different lives. So, yeah, that seperated us a lot, but I still loved her, or thought I did. And then, this year... well, we almost split up way back in February, and I wish now we had. But she begged me to take her back, feeling she'd made a mistake, and I... well I said yes.

And then I go back to university and she went off to work in the middle of Wales. And there she didn't visit once. I barely ever heard from her- she was almost impossible to contact, so I had to rely on her getting in touch with me, which she rarely ever did. I thought many times of breaking up with her, and then she'd get in touch and I'd feel better.

Then I discovered she'd slept with someone. Just a one night stand, and I forgave her, but was of course upset that she had betrayed me. I asked her to phone me, made her promise, becuase shes never very good at keeping promises.

Surprise surprise, she didn't phone. And so I resolved to break up with her. So in a months time, whne university ends and she comes home, I invite her round to break up with her. And she actually tried to break up with me first. Which, thinking about it now, should have struck me as odd. She's not the sort who's got the guts to do that normally. But anyway, it was a mutual thing, and uh, we promised to stay friends and all that, and we sort of did.

Then I find out she was seeing a fucking 36 year old called Dave while dating me. I found out from a friend who has been very supportive- she's great, and has stuck up for me, and does the job of hating Amanda. Thats the problem, I don't hate Amanda. I admit today I'm in a real blue funk, but I kept thinking that it was her at the door, on the phone, I was inwardly praying it'd be her, begging to get back with me.

And thats stupid, because even if she did want to, we couldn't. I could never trust her again. She has lied to me, and failed me, so many times, but I still, pathetically, love her. I don't want her dating this 36 year old, not because UI don't want her dating anyone- which is of course true, but mainly because I think its a horrible idea. Shes 19 for crying out loud.

I dunno what I'm trying to say by this. I know- or at least I think, that I am better off now, and I should have ended it long ago, and I need to find someone else more dependable than her. Maybe whether I should cut contact with her? Because I'm friends with a lot of her friends, but if I decide to completely cut all contact with her, I will lose touch with a large proportion of them, who know Amanda better than me, so their partisan support will be for her.

Sigh.