*sucks in breath*

[Tallulah]

Well. Yesterday I got the news that I have been suspecting for a couple of weeks now; my mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer. She has not been right for a few months now, with a cough that comes and goes, and various aches and pains in her neck and shoulder that she initially put down to sitting at a desk all day. She was always back and forth to the doctor and until recently, she and my dad were registered with the same doctor they had been with for the past twenty years that was near the old estate where we used to live. Recently, the old block was torn down so this pushed my parents to decide there was no point in going back and forth to Kidbrooke any more and changed to a local doctor. Also, my dad in particular was becoming mistrustful of the old doctor, as he kept forgetting things, such as reasons for a follow up appointment, and even initially diagnosed Mum with gout. For the record, I have never trusted the guy, and was glad to leave his practice when I moved up here!

Anyway, last month (on her birthday, of all days!) Mum went for a chest X-ray, as advised by their new doctor, who by all accounts, seems much nicer, and more competent than the last guy. A couple of weeks later, the hospital called my mum in for another X ray as they had found something. This test confirmed something was seriously wrong, and they admitted her for tests. Last weekend she was in for a biopsy etc. and they got the results on Wednesday.

I happened to be out shopping when I received the call yesterday, and when I found the answer machine flashing, I knew it was bad news. My mum (or was it my dad? I can't remember...) told me that the tumour is inoperable (this freaked the hell out of me!) but it is treatable through chemotherapy, which starts on Tuesday. There is a nasty network of clots around the tumour, formed through all the coughing she has been doing, and Mum has been prescribed this medication which has to be injected into her stomach, which will try and get rid of the blood clots. I hope to God or whoever's up there that this works.

I also hope to God that I have inherited my dad's constitution; he never gets sick and if he does, it's never for long. Also, he and my mum used to smoke a lot, from before I was born, and I have known them smoke on and off, since I was about eight. Both of them stopped for good about five years ago, and Mum has always found it harder than Dad to stop. Because I have been known (by my friends at work, at least) to have the odd cigarette, I am now a bit worried. I started about a year ago when (this is gonna sound stupid...) Paul was pissing me off and I felt like rebelling. I never smoked more than three a day, and I could go days, weeks, months, without touching one. I was a bit of a social smoker, and would do it if I was annoyed, upset, or stressed out (I say 'was', because I threw away the rest of my cigarettes this morning). I worry now that I have put myself at risk as well. But that remains to be seen, and is unimportant right now, as it's my mum who's dangerously ill right now.

I have been okay with the news so far, in that I don't feel too worried. Maybe I'm in some sort of shock, because I'm usually in tears over such bad things, like the way I flipped out when Grandad died, (although that was understandable because that was sudden, albeit after a short illness)or even when I got dumped earlier this year (and let me tell you, I feel so embarrassed over reacting the way I did, over something, and someone, so insignificant. Well, maybe 'not too worried' is the wrong choice of words, as sometimes, the thought in the back of my mind that I might lose my mum hits me, and I think that I have to come to terms with the worst. I find myself thinking random things like 'because of the age, I always thought Dad would die first', and other not so pleasant things. I also read this article written by a journalist who herself died of lung cancer at the end of May. In the article is the rather grim statistic that:

More than two thirds of those diagnosed with lung cancer die within a year... one of the two fifty-something women I know who were diagnosed at the same time is dead, the other is very sick.

Very encouraging indeed...

I spoke to Rose at work today to let her know the situation, and she was really understanding about it all. She said I only need to let them know, even if it is at short notice. Somehow I knew Rose would understand, as her grandma had breast cancer last year. Luckilly they caught it really early, but because of the first doctor's procrastinating (I swear, if I didn't believe in the three-fold rule, I would have such awful tidings cast upon him. God knows how many other diagnoses he has fudges up with other people. I fear for them all), I am concerned about how my mum's treatment will go, if it will even work. Have they left it too late?

Anyways, sorry for rambling, but I can always rely on this page to get things off my chest.

[Aether]

Well that is a bit of news isn't it? I sympathise with you as I lost my grandfather to cancer when I was younger.

Just remember though, inoperable doesn't mean incureable. If they think that chemo will work than there is a good chance it will. I guess the best thing you can do T is just stand by her and let her know you're there if she needs it. Your dad may even need more support than your mum at times as chemo can make people feel really sick while it does it's job.

My thoughts are with you and your family T and we're always here if you need to talk.

[Tallulah]

Thank you for the support, Aether. It means a lot.

I think the news is starting to sink in now, and my strange calm I initially felt was some sort of numbness, and I find myself trying not to cry about it, and I am feeling crabby (I am on a lot of early shifts and my sleep pattern has gone up the creek) at times. We can only see how it goes at this stage.

I was thinking of doing this. Ten miles seems a long way, but I don't want to pussy out and just do two miles. I really have to go back to the gym and get in better condition.

EDIT: Just done a quick Google Maps search; if I can walk to my friend Tracey's house from mine and back, that's pretty much ten miles, so I could actually do it...

[Tallulah]

UPDATE

Unfortunately, I didn't get round to doing the charity walk, as it was on the same day as I last gave blood. I see this as important, especially as my mum went in for a transfusion today. The chemo has had an effect on her which has given her anaemia, something my mum has never had, and she fainted on Friday, and banged her head on the interior doorstep (I am always tripping over the gosh-darn thing!) My parents were up A&E (ER) for half the day, having endless tests, including 3 electrocardiograms. She is at the hospital at the moment, and, since I am spending a few days in London, I had to make my way from Kings' Cross to Greenwich by myself (Dad usually meets me but he was up the hospital with my mum), which was daunting. Before I left this morning I had to reduce my stuff from four to three bags, as I wasn't looking like a dork at the station (I had to leave my nan's Christmas present at home; I will send it at a later date).

Mum has one more session of chemotherapy to go; hopefully that will do some good. I'm not sure what's going to happen afterwards - I don't think anyone is - but we shall see.

[seph]

I am sorry to hear about this Tallulah,

My family is going through a similar event so I know where you coming from. I am so glad to see how optimistic you are being as of late. As always, if you need to chat I am around.

Everything will work out

[Tallulah]

Thanks for the support, Seph. Hope things are okay your end.

The worst part of my trip was the initial shock of seeing my mum look so ill; she has lost most of her hair because of the chemotherapy, but once I got over that I had quite a nice time. Mum is just so frustrated about not being able to do anything, as even walking to another room leaves her out of breath, and the flat is tiny (I would guess there is as much floorspace as my 1 bedroom house, which is a 2 up-2 down), which is a worry.

However, Tracey, a lady from her work, and her husband, Simon, come to see her most weekends, which I think is really nice. My dad, who is working himself to the bone for my mum, and will not stop, bless him, usually makes dinner for them all. Tracey keeps my mum in the loop about what's going on at work, and that helps her.

I do worry a lot, and I think about the worst-case scenario a lot. I try and stay positive, but it is difficult, especially considering I've seen her condition first hand. I can only hope the innumerable medicines, chemotherapy and possible radiotherapy, can fix it.

The people at work have been really cool about everything, and have said if I need any extra time off, they will sort it out for me, no questions asked. I only plan to do this in a real crash-catastrophe emergency, which I pray will not transpire, but at this stage, all I can really do is hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[Eangarra]

Sorry to hear all that. My grandmother went through a cancer battle as did my grand father. It can be tough on all parties but I will say the will to live and be better for the most part is triumphant. Once the Chemo is done she will get stronger each day. Just keep her as positive as you can and visit when able. Keep positive.